My Story

I have had so many women reaching out to me lately as they go through miscarriages or want to learn more about adoption. So many times I have shared my story but so many times I felt misunderstood or that I was sharing too much. As these amazing women have been coming to me I have been humbled and I again felt the need to share my story again. I think we are all in a sense looking for others who "get" us. I have been in situations where I just wish someone knew how I felt. Advice or hope given from anyone that didn't understand just never satisfied me. I think that is why my love for the Savior has grown so much. He has felt my every pain and inconvenience and knows how to succor me.

Back in 2010 I married my best friend. I absolutely felt like no one else in the world knew what true love was because I was just so in love. Nothing bothered me at all. I was invincible and life was wonderful. That was, until I had a miscarriage a few months after getting married. Life stopped abruptly and all of a sudden it didn't make any sense. My husband and I had a "feeling" that there was a baby waiting for us, but then life said otherwise. I was in pain and for the first time my husband and I didn't see eye to eye. Looking back we can both laugh, but at the time, his advice was for me to suck it up, go to the gym, and move on. I had never been so insulted in all my life. Well, we somehow moved on, but yet again, I had another miscarriage. And then another. Three miscarriages in a short time period really threw my body out of whack. Emotionally I was a wreck. It got to the point where I didn't want to be alive. That scared me so I decided to get help. I found a counselor that had similar beliefs to me and was I given great advice. I sought medical help as well. Luckily I found an amazing doctor that was able to run tests on Solomon and I, to find the cause. Come to find out I have a genetic disorder. I was blessed to find an answer, since I know so many women go without any type of answers for their infertility or losses. I continued to have miscarriages and it was so discouraging. I felt very alone and bitter.

During this whole time I was having dreams and visions of a blue eyed boy named Gideon. We always assumed I would give birth to him, but over time my dreams changed to us adopting him and we started looking into adoption. In May 2012, on the way home from work as I was crying from my 6th miscarriage, I heard a radio commercial about AdoptUSKids.org, a site full of information on adoption, along with a photolisting of children waiting for families. I said out loud, "Heavenly Father, if there is a two year old boy with blue eyes named Gideon on that site, we will adopt him." So when I got home a few minutes later, I hesitantly pulled up the site and scrolled through the boys age 2. My jaw dropped and I felt completely numb as I scrolled to a boy that matched my dreams exactly. I took a deep breath and tried to take in everything. At the time we were in Hawai'i and he was in Texas. I wasn't quite sure how that was going to work out. My husband got home from work around midnight that night and when he crawled into bed I whispered, "I found Gideon. He is in Texas though, I don't know how this is all going to work out." Solomon chuckled and said he had actually just received an email that we were probably getting transferred to Texas. LONG story short, we did in fact end up getting transferred to Texas in December and then Gideon was placed with us in March. We were only in Texas for about 7 months and then moved to Illinois for my husband to go to dental school. Because we moved so much during the adoption process, we had to become licensed in each state which requires a lot of paper work, home studies, background checks, classes, etc. It was so exhausting at times. But finally in July of 2014 we finalized his adoption!

Shortly after moving to Illinois I found out I was pregnant and the whole pregnancy I was terrified that I would lose the baby at any second. I didn't take one minute for granted. I hated that I was pregnant while many friends were still left childless, so I didn't talk about my pregnancy much and constantly felt guilty about my growing belly. But every day I woke up and thanked God for the miracle and just hoped that in the end I would be able to hold my baby. Not knowing what the future held for me with future pregnancies, I wanted to make this birth as beautiful and memorable as possible. I took Bradley Method classes and found a wonderful Doula. I also found an amazing chiropractor that uses the Webster Technique. Dameon's birth was perfect. I did it all natural and was so proud of myself. I bawled as they wheeled me out of the hospital with a baby in my arms. I always hoped for that moment but never knew if it would happen for me. It did, and it was beautiful. I hope every woman can experience that. I think I shed tears daily for a few weeks because I could not believe the miracle that had just taken place. Dameon has been such a perfect baby. I am in heaven when he is in my arms. He has always been in the 95th percentile for everything since he was born. He is a big boy that adores his big brother and wants to keep up.

In September 2014 we got a call to be an emergency placement for a 17 month boy who was being taken from his mother that day. We said yes and a few hours later we had another boy in our home. He was so sweet. I loved that he trusted me quickly and got along great with our boys. I never felt like he belonged to us, but I LOVED being a safe place for him temporarily. He was with us from a Thursday night to the next Tuesday. He was only with us for a few days, but he changed my life. The caseworker called me Monday to inform me the state got custody of him and that they found a more permanent home for him. That night I rocked and hugged him as I sobbed, wondering if he had ever been held that way, and hoping this wouldn't be the last time someone held him so lovingly. By this time he had already starting calling me "Mom" and it broke my heart to see him go. A sad thing about foster children is that sometimes they don't have much that belongs to them and when they are transferred all their stuff is thrown into a garbage bag. I refused to send him on to his next home like that, so I got a nice back pack and wrote his name in permanent marker on it and put his stuff inside. I carried him out to the case worker's car when she showed up and buckled him in. I walked away crying as I prayed the next home would love him as much as I did. I learned that I love being a foster mom and I also learned that we were not quite ready for 3 children. Much to my surprise, the next month I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't expecting another baby this quick, but it is obviously a HUGE blessing. With Gideon's needs due to FASD, RAD, SPD, and ADHD I was worried because I have been stressed with trying to help him, as well as take care of the needs of Dameon as he grows. Our current vehicle does not fit 3 carseats, so now a bigger car is a necessity. Lots has been on my mind, but the biggest thing on my mind is God's timing. Years ago I never thought I would be given more children than I thought I could handle. I cried and prayed for one, and here I am with almost three! I just had to be patient! I remind my 5 year old almost daily, "we need to wait just a little longer", "be patient", "not yet". And it is a good reminder that God loves each of us and has a plan. It isn't fun to hear "not yet", BUT I have come to see for myself that the waiting is worth it. I hope my cousin doesn't mind, but she was in the "waiting" stage for ten years. Her answer was "not yet" for so long. I recently found out she is pregnant with twins! I am beyond ecstatic for her. I don't know what God has in store for each person, but I know He loves us all and has a beautiful plan. So my hope for everyone, no matter where you are in life, is to look for the good. It is there, I promise! As I look back to my dark times, I get embarrassed that I wasn't more positive and hopeful. It is SO easy to focus on everything that isn't going the way we want it to. Life is as good as we make it, no matter what season of life we are in. Why wait for happiness, when you can create it right now? Thank you so much for reading "my story" and I hope in some way you felt touched or inspired!