Update

I haven't "blogged" for quite a while now. Life gets too chaotic sometimes and writing about it is the last thing on my mind. However, I keep having the feeling come to me that I need to share my experiences and insight more often. Our caseworker even suggested that I write about what is going on. So, I shall attempt to catch everyone up on our life.

Since my last main post a lot has changed and a lot has not. Solomon and I added another son to our family through birth last July, and when he was about 6 months old we had a nagging feeling that someone in our family was missing. Despite our hesitations, we decided to trust the Lord and we are expecting another son in September. This will be our 4th son in 4 years. We cried and begged for one, and now our hearts and hands are more full than I ever imagined.

Our oldest son continues to struggle due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, and sensory processing issues. Some days he can cope, and other days he is constantly falling apart. Some days he knows his ABC's and how to read and write, and the next he gets so frustrated because he can't even remember what letter his name starts with (something he has known for 3 years). Some days he can't remember how to use the bathroom and has multiple accidents. Some days his brain won't shut down and he talks incessantly all day, never stopping. Some days he chews on everything in sight, ruining clothes, toys, and furniture. Some days he yells and screams at me telling me he hates me and wants to kill me. Some days he is obsessed with guns and bad guys, and talks about the morbid things the bad guys are going to do to our family. Some days he steals things, like his grandpa's credit card or food from the cupboard (and then hides the remains under his bed) despite the many snacks and meals we provide him. Some days he gets taken advantage of by peers at school. One boy told him that if he gave him all his money he would "give him a cell phone". Three years worth of savings was sneakily taken to school to give to a boy. I informed the teacher and we were able to get some of the money back. We may have gotten it all back from that boy, but if so, where did the rest go? What has he been using his money for? Some days he gets bullied. Kids throwing his stuff out the bus window, pushing him in the mud, threatening to hurt him. And some days he is the bully. Biting kids at recess, punching his 2 year old brother in the mouth busting 3 teeth, trying to shove his baby brother down the stairs, kicking and punching his mom. One day it took 3 hours for me to get him to school. Once I got there and they asked why he was late I said, "He didn't want to come." They looked at me as if that was the dumbest reason ever and told me that is not really an excuse. I broke down bawling and showed them my arms covered in bruises, bite marks, and scratches. I said, "I can't do this anymore!" The poor office ladies immediately apologized and brought me tissues and tried to comfort me. One disappeared for a moment and came back asking me to follow her. I sat in the principal's office at 29 years old crying. I told him what was going on and he was shocked. "Gideon is always such a happy kid and does so well once he is here." I informed him that his issues are at home because of past trauma. He is struggling to form healthy attachments to the people he needs to. He is superficially charming and will hold it together all day to appear cool and normal to everyone else, and as soon as he gets home- all hell breaks loose. And on the days he doesn't want to try and hold it together, I am forced to deal with it as I try to get him out the door to school or appointments. Last year to keep my sanity and to protect my other boys from him, I was able to get him into an after school program. He was typically gone from 7:30am to 5:30pm. I dreaded mornings and evenings. I hated them. It came as quite the shock when I received a prompting from the Lord to homeschool "G" this upcoming school year. I tossed it aside and thought there was absolutely no way. I couldn't ignore the feeling though and looked into it more. I came across this article and video by Jenny Phillips and it brought peace to my heart and I knew I had to follow through. I ordered some books to do a "trial run" over the summer. Each day we have been sitting together and working on reading, writing, math, etc. Some days I feel like I am about to explode with frustration and absolutely don't want to do this, but other days I feel a closer bond to him. I am amazed to see his behavior change and his anxiety lessen. I can now help monitor his mood swings all day long and immediately resolve issues, instead of waiting until the end of the day. I personally felt like his speech and reading was improving, but it wasn't until his speech therapist told me last week that she had re-evaluated him and his scores had drastically gone up within two months that I realized he actually is getting better. She informed me that his scores were now average and that he no longer qualified for speech therapy! It was a confirmation that we were on the right track and that homeschool, as hard as it will be sometimes, is what "G" needs. It has been a miracle to see the difference in our lives from following a prompting I wanted to ignore. I am so grateful for God's unending love and guidance.

Our 2 year old "D" is definitely in the terrible twos. He is pretty awesome too though. He is the oldest brother mentally in many ways and is very helpful and empathetic. He has a toy doggy he carries every where and is constantly looking for adventure. As soon as he wakes up he wants his shoes on so we can leave at any moment if we need, to get to the park, library, or store. He had a rough start with speaking, which we now know was due to his ears. He had constant ear infections and fluid behind the ear drums. He had tubes placed in his ears in February and ever since, his speech has improved dramatically. He just couldn't hear much before! He loves learning new words and trying to have big conversations. As I mentioned earlier, "G" punched "D" in the mouth. One day when "G" got home from school he was in a terrible mood and took it out on his brother. Poor "D" was spitting chunks of teeth into my hands while he cried. It honestly took all I had to not to punch "G" back in the mouth. Two of the teeth were damaged too badly to save. I had to take him to a pedodontist to get his teeth pulled. It was traumatic for both of us. I cried all day about the situation.

"Z", our 1 year old is a mellow boy. He loves to observe and think. He is now also in the stage where he loves to do what the others are doing. He enjoys exploring and making messes with "D". He started walking 2 or 3 weeks ago and is getting really good. I love watching him try to do everything his brothers do. He can jump on the mini trampoline, climb up and go down the mini slide, and climbs up on the couch to see if dad is walking home from school. His favorite words to say are Mom, Dad, tickle, dog, and no.

My wonderful husband is in his last year of dental school. I am beyond proud of him. He manages to handle school, military, a church calling, and home life with ease. I get jealous a lot that I have to share him with school and church so much, but I am blessed to have a man that loves serving and giving. I love that he wants to develop his talents and make a difference in the world each day. He is a great example to me and I adore him. I couldn't imagine a better teammate to go through this life with.

Me? I have been surviving. It is hard to be pregnant and raise 3 crazy boys. I try to be easy on myself and tell myself its ok that we have been living off of PB&J, bagels, cereal, and mac n cheese. It's ok that sometimes I strap my kids down in high chairs in front of the TV so they don't tear the house apart while I use the bathroom or take a shower. It's ok that we don't go any where because it is too exhausting for me. It's ok to ask for help sometimes. I have some dear friends that come over every Sunday to help me get my boys ready for church (since my husband leaves early for meetings). It has been a life saver. I still don't get much out of church, even with the help of many others, but I always go because I know it is where we are supposed to be, despite all the people that glare at me or tell me to just stay home because my kids are too rowdy. I have a counselor I go to occasionally to help me with the secondary PTSD I have been suffering from due to "G's" behavior. It's nice to feel validated and be given advice from someone who understands my situation completely. I am healing and learning how to become stronger.